Dealing with Difficult People

Here's a recent talk I gave about dealing with troublesome people. It's a popular topic and I've given talks as well as workshops on the subject.
I also published this on the Biznik Seattle site. Let me know what you think!
Christine Hemp

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE: A Three-Part Strategy

“If Dragwood would just go away, my life would be a lot easier!” How many of us have muttered these words, imagining a helicopter with a dangling hook ensnaring an annoying client and airlifting him to an office–or an island—far, far away?

Though we wish this fantasy would come true, it seldom does. Meanwhile, we are stuck with a bullying customer, a narcissistic client, a lazy colleague or employee who gobbles up our energy. Once, when I was obsessing about a difficult business associate, my friend Jim said, “Hey! Can’t you see? Griselda is renting space in your brain for free!” Jim is right: We often spend more time thinking about Difficult People than about those who nourish us.

So how do we work with people so challenging they even enter our subconscious? (A recent participant in one of my seminars told me her Difficult Person had been occupying her dream life!)

The first step in dealing with Difficult People is to admit that we cannot change Dragwood or Griselda. Their behaviors (or how we perceive them) are most likely ingrained, and we have little control over their personalities or how they manifest themselves -- from interrupting conversations, to manipulating meetings, or being downright rude.

We do, however, have control over our responses to difficult behaviors. And, if you are reading this article right now, you have already made a step toward change – your own. Only those of us willing to look at ourselves will find new ways of approaching Difficult People. There are tools available, but the first step starts with us.

STEP #1: KNOW THYSELF.

Before we can begin to crack the Griselda problem, we need to ask ourselves what makes our own psyches tick. For example, we might ask What pushes my buttons? What makes me irritated? What do I value about work? Does it bother me when others don’t value what I do? What gives me satisfaction? What makes me proud? Am I a leader? How does that affect my performance with someone else who is a follower or vice versa? Does aggression make me afraid? Fight back? How do I resolve conflict? Am I a judgmental person? Am I impatient with Dragwood because I’m impatient with myself?

When we begin to observe our own behaviors in light of someone else’s we are already on the road to a different way of handling Difficult People. Self-examination can also offer us a glimmer into the dynamics of all human interaction, a vital knowledge base in our competitive business world. Plus, I agree with Socrates: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

STEP #2: KNOW THY DIFFICULT PERSON.

The second part of this adventure involves a bit of sleuthing. In fact, when we begin to see Griselda not as a problem to be solved, but a person to be understood things begin to look a lot different. When we identify Griselda’s motivational drivers, it’s no longer “Why does Griselda talk on the phone to her daughter all day?” But we rephrase the question to, “What allows Griselda to justify this behavior? Why does she believe this is the best use of her time?”

Motivational drivers are what spur each of us to do stuff. They are the ignition to our engine—and each of us is different. Some common motivational drivers include money; prestige; high performance; power; moral rectitude; family; desire for approval from superiors; desire for approval from laterals; inner satisfaction; fun; achieving standards of excellence. Some negative motivational drivers could include insecurity; self-loathing; resentment toward authority; fear; and jealousy.

When we start to pay attention, observing how Dragwood interacts with others and how he gets his job done, we might see a whole set of drivers completely different from our own. If, for example, Dragwood is always leaving the job early, and you value getting a job done you might be surprised to learn that his daughter is in a special program after school. Dragwood might be too embarrassed to tell you (since he values family, but he also might value appearances!)

Often hidden circumstances explain unpleasant behaviors. This is not to say we must suddenly act or feel warm and fuzzy toward Griselda, but when we begin to fill out a three-dimensional picture about our Difficult Person, we are no longer cast as the victim of a Difficult Person’s behavior. By using our powers of inquiry we actually gain back our own center of gravity.

In fact, the best leaders are super savvy to the psychological and emotional drivers of the people who surround them. Try it: What photos does Dragwood display on his desk? Are they of his children? Or his golf clubs? What do these clues tell us about his motivational drivers? A good leader and communicator is as much an observer as she is a talker and a doer.

STEP #3: KNOW THY TACTICS.

The last piece of dealing with Difficult People involves practical tactics that work for you. Part of the sleuthing process involves tactics that feel comfortable. There are myriad communication tools, but here are a couple that I find most helpful with Difficult People. (And I should stress that behaviors which involve violence or harassment should be dealt with through other means.)

Engagement. After you have observed the photos of the golf clubs on Dragwood’s desk, this might be a perfect opening for a conversation. Finding a small square of common ground eases tension. If we show a genuine (not phony!) interest in Dragwood’s passion, he might actually allow for a real conversation without being on the defensive. When we consciously put ourselves in our Difficult Person’s shoes (even if we don’t agree with the viewpoint) we are making room for engagement and resolution. Many times the outcome isn’t always what we plan, but finding even a small island of mutuality can set the stage for a crucial conversation.

Active Listening. In situations where conflict is brewing, or even beginning to boil, active listening can cool things down. It involves repeating back what a person says to you – without judgment, without spin. When we repeat the information back, we don’t have to agree or disagree, just offer up what we’ve heard. Being listened to is one of the most powerful affirmations we can receive. If, for example, Dragwood tells you what’s wrong with the marketing plan you have created for his company, instead of going on the defensive, you can choose to say, “Let me see, so you’re saying that my plan is impractical for your current needs?” Whether or not you agree with Dragwood, you are giving him air time – and the affirmation that his ideas are being heard (no matter how off base they might seem to you.)

“But this all takes energy!” many might protest, “I don’t have time for such “sleuthing” with Dragwood. I have work to do!” When we recall those bad dreams, however, the ones that keep us grinding our teeth— and the un-said conversation tape looping in our heads—we realize how much time our Difficult Person is taking up already. And, for those of us who run our own business, precious time is money. If we weren’t spending hours obsessing about how to avoid Griselda or grumbling about her dreadful habit of saying one thing and doing another, we’d have more time to spend on projects which need to get done. If nothing is changing now, why not give the adventure a try? It beats having to hire a helicopter.